Monday, 8 January 2018

Vic ~ in the spotlight

I have really neglected this blog. Partly because I have so much passion about my main site. But also because I am away and have not bought my old diaries with me. I do intend to get back to it and continue from my last post:

"Its horrid feeling so unsure and doubtful. Where was he last night? Was he out with a “lover”? I must get strong again and fight these feelings. My heart hurts and I want the pain to stop."

but that will not be until February.

One thing that I didn't realise when I started copying them into this blog is that mostly the diaries are describing my feelings surrounding my romantic involvement at that time. Very self centred but I do recall when I began to write them, I made the decision not to talk about the general aspects of my life. I had written diaries for many years and had noticed that looking back on the mundane was tedious. That is why it appears I am not doing much, other than going to work, wittering on and trying to see that certain person. But I was. But back in 1997 I was very much more socially active than I am now.
Vic looked a bit like this

Anyway, I always knew my blogs would cross pollinate, so to speak, and this happened recently in regards to an ex-lover of mine, Vic. He is still a very special person in my world and one of the few people I can tell anything to. He never judges me, always loves and supports me. He's a great guy, but not my man.

Vic and I met when we were 14. He lived down the road from me and we became inseparable friends. We had a Saturday job in the same shop and he bought me my first single rose when I was 16.  By the time the true version of this story happened:

"I moaned and started for the zip on my jeans, making short work of removing them completely. In one movement I straddled him, putting my hands behind his neck and my mouth on his."

we had actually fallen in love. He was not my first boyfriend, Jim was, but I think he was my first love. I don't indicate that in the tale as the whole thing worked better as a more casual fuck. But I was never casual about him. We did cheat on our partners to spend time together, but we felt we came first as we had known each other so long. We eventually got it together monogamously and shared a flat too. That was until this happened:

"I arrived back to my flat the next day before my boyfriend. I could smell Nate all over me so promptly bathed and doused myself with my usual perfume. When Vic came home he slept, having worked all night. When he rose I couldn’t look him in the face."

 and I ruined it all.

We went our separate ways in the romantic sense, but could not resist sleeping with each other now and then. We finally stopped about fifteen years ago and, as I said, we remain friends until this day.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked
The Ex Week #293

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Because I Wish

Like I didn't know this was going to happen ~ Before May Mattered 

Just Because

Why do I like Al? Because some of his mannerisms touch me deep down in the pit of my stomach. Because he has clear blue eyes, a lovely bum and hands like mine. Because he intrigues me. Because of the way he kisses me. Because I think he has been hurt as a kid, like me. Because he's so uninhibited and so damn tall. Because he's got a smooth chest. Because of the way he dresses. Because he wears boxer shorts. Because of the way he stares at me sometimes. Because of the way he touches me. Because of the way he smells and he worries about the fact he is losing his hair. Because he makes me laugh. Because he doesn't give a damn about what people think. Because he likes Tom Jones and Neil Diamond – and hopefully Me.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Games People Play part two

More games people play ~ Before May Mattered

Part one here

games people play part two
No more games


Back at home we put some music on, got ourselves a bandy to drink, and I changed into some shorts – it was a hot evening (and I have great legs...) After a few minutes of chatting I said,

“Oh my back is still a bit sun dry – you can put some cream on it for me,” and promptly went and got some.

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Games people play and questions about sexuality

Back from holiday and a surprise call ~ Before May Mattered 

games people play
The games people play


Feeling good! The holiday was great apart from some creepy middle aged guy who was part of our group. He was so hung up on me he couldn't stop looking and trying to talk to me. It was very embarrassing as his wife was with him and perfectly lovely.

Friday, 6 October 2017

Over Him ~ Slowly coming to terms with not having him

Getting Over Him ~ Easier said than done but progress being made ~ Before May Mattered
over him
Getting Over Him

20th August 1997
He didn't go to Hannah's party and if that happened I know I said I wasn't going to write again but I want to – a slight calm has passed through me. Don't get me wrong I still want him – I'd still see him if I had that option, even though my best judgement says not to. But I just can't feel bad towards him. I like him. I see him in my head. Still I can feel his touch. It's not so painful now. If that event had not happened and one of us or both had decided not to carry on, I don't think he would be on my mind so much. Its just I cant help thinking he liked me quite a bit and that once he had put the horror of that whole evening out of his head, he would still like me – or rather does like me. 

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Date Disaster ~ Stay Calm and Don't Date a Policeman

Date Disaster ~ I am not compatible with policeman ~ Before May Mattered.

Date disaster
Dates Matter!

August 1997
All I seem to do is write about Al, but need to catch up regarding other things that have been going on in my life. Jane and I kept our date with the guys we met when away. 

Picked up in a bar

Monday, 28 August 2017

Obsessive behaviour and self absorption rules

Obsessive behaviour and self Absorption Rules! ~ Before May Mattered

Obsessive behaviour
Obsessive behaviour

July 31st 1997
It does seem to rule me at the moment and what are the rules? How long before this obsessive behaviour turns me crazy?

Others opinions


OK – spoke to Vic last night for over 2 hours about it all.  He seemed to think my assumptions regarding Al and getting down with men are correct. He said the Bastard bit got him and that all in all my hitting him wasn’t nearly as extreme as what he did.  Trouble is I still want him. His mind intrigues me and physically i am far too attracted to him.  I just can’t seem to get him out of my mind. In the beginning I wasn’t so keen on his body, but now that’s the body I want – smooth chest, long fingers, muscled bum – all of it. And I adored the way he kissed me, always passionate and urgent and that doesn’t fit with my assumptions about him..

Monday, 14 August 2017

Aftermath Ramblings of a deluded wretch

Aftermath ramblings - Before May Mattered

Aftermath Ramblings - looking back and forward

aftermath ramblings
Aftermath ramblings

July 29th 1997

Still feel a little shell shocked. Spoke to Virginia last night. Well went round and we popped out for a drink. She says I have got nothing to blame myself for and we had a bit of a giggle predicting what Al’s brother would say if he heard that Al couldn’t keep it up with me. His brother still thinks I’m some sort of goddess, and tells me any time he gets the chance.

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Explanation Letter ~ He went Soft so I slapped him

Explanation Letter -  not an apology - Before May Mattered

explanation letter
Explanation Letter

July 26th 1997

Today at work I typed this letter up and sent it to Al. Its an explanation letter really, though I do deny that in the first sentence. It certainly is not a letter of apology. But I had to do something. To feel I have at least a tiny bit of control over the situation. I thought long and hard about whether I should write at the end that he can ring me. But I had to put that option in. I still really like him. It’s so annoying that I want him so much but can’t have him. Virginia and I are meeting for a drink the day after tomorrow. I will be able to tell her all the details. Jane was asking but I just told her a scaled down version. 

She said, “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be back”.

If she knew I’d hit him she may think differently.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Punish Me, Where I get spanked before I misbehave!

Punish Me - The punishment before the crime - Before May Mattered

punish me
Punish Me


July 1997
Right my head’s in a real spin over what occurred at the weekend with Al. Once again I don’t know what to do or think.

So here’s what happened...

After a very flirty phone call telling me what time he would arrive at mine I was expecting good things. Feeling horny and full of hope. He decides to park and come in. I had prepared for this and had a glass of wine waiting for him. Yes, me trying to be the girl for all occasions.

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