What Happened First
So who am I? Certainly a question I have reviewed countless times over the years. I feel like I have been many differing people within different lives.
As a child I habitually felt I did not fit in with those around me and the world in general. In hindsight I can see why this was. There were a couple of testing issues I had to face at a very young age which would have undoubtedly contributed to these feelings of irregularity.
At about the age of eight I cajoled a friend who lived opposite to run away with me. I had absolutely no idea where we would go but at that moment it felt like the imperative thing to do. It was quite a farcical scene. I led her deeper into the suburban maze that was our neighbourhood, attempting at each turn to find a road I didn’t recognise, believing that once this happened I would be in the realms of ‘unknown territory’ where people would not pay us any attention. This was difficult as I was reasonably streetwise and knew all the roads for miles around. It began to get dark and my friend started whining, informing me she was scared. I felt she was being tiresome and realised I should have attempted this venture alone.
This feeling has stayed with me through most of my life. I have constantly struggled to find someone who can match my desire for adventure and the unknown. As a consequence, I have tended to delve into the world inside my head, eventually shutting others out.
To finish the running away episode – a passing police car picked us up and drove us home. My friend, and all those back at our homes were in floods of tears. I found it difficult to feign the look of indifference on my face, but so as not to hurt my mother’s feelings I informed her we had simply got lost. I never quite understood why I felt so unemotional in this regard. As the years pass I am beginning to understand myself more.
I tiptoed into my teenage years - a cute looking child soon to become an attractive adult - but my early teens were hampered with gangly and awkward looks. As a result, when the lanky limbs turned into long legs and boys began to notice me I was slightly bemused by the attention. I knew what I wanted to do but my religious upbringing meant my moral conscience would never allow it.
I started masturbating at about 13 years by accident really, rubbing myself on the binding of a book whilst pretending I was having intercourse. When I achieved orgasm I couldn’t believe my luck - all that pleasure to be had and it was free! It became a regular part of my week and I never told a soul. I always fantasised while masturbating and indeed a big part of the life inside my head was devoted to different sexual fantasies. Not very polite scenarios featured heavily.
By the time I was 15 I was one of the main girls at the local disco to attract male attention. Most of the boys didn’t hold my interest for long. Kissing seemed to be far too wet and most did not seem to be graced with wit or insight. On the whole they struck me as drips, without strength of character. However, my first experience with a so called alpha male occurred at this time. I was at the local youth club disco chatting with some friends. A slow number came on and I was dancing with a friend’s brother when a boy came over and literally took my hand and led me away so he could dance with me himself. Immediately he was telling me how gorgeous I was and found my breasts just as quickly. I was shocked and exhilarated. This boy knew exactly what he wanted and was confident and assured enough to get it.
About a year later I started seeing my first steady boyfriend. For me he was a catch as I had coveted him for about a year. He also portrayed traits of an alpha male and I became elevated and excited being around him. I should have made a mental note at this point that I was attracted to self-possessed males but decided instead to end the relationship and began to see an intelligent yet much tamer lad. I knew he was a secure bet as the other guy scared me with the feelings his behaviour induced.
So my life trundled along, fortunate in some way to be involved with a few guys I had attended school with, allowing for very open sexual encounters, although I found I was often leading the way. This was not the type of sexual expression I was searching for, although I remained unsure exactly what that was. My head was still filled with sexually fantasies I wouldn’t have publically admitted to and indeed I found it difficult coming to terms with the knowledge that such deviant sexual behaviour turned me on. Still not realising exactly what an alpha male was- or indeed that I needed one- I stumbled from one sexually inept relationship to another.
It was at this time I sub-consciously embarked upon a year of sexual and mental exploration. This blog will focus on that unique time in my life which lasted for about 14 months some 20 years ago. The narrative is taken from detailed dairies I kept at the time.
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