Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Because I Wish

Like I didn't know this was going to happen ~ Before May Mattered 


8/09/1997
Just Because

Why do I like Al? Because some of his mannerisms touch me deep down in the pit of my stomach. Because he has clear blue eyes, a lovely bum and hands like mine. Because he intrigues me. Because of the way he kisses me. Because I think he has been hurt as a kid, like me. Because he's so uninhibited and so damn tall. Because he's got a smooth chest. Because of the way he dresses. Because he wears boxer shorts. Because of the way he stares at me sometimes. Because of the way he touches me. Because of the way he smells and he worries about the fact he is losing his hair. Because he makes me laugh. Because he doesn't give a damn about what people think. Because he likes Tom Jones and Neil Diamond – and hopefully Me.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Games People Play part two

More games people play ~ Before May Mattered

Part one here

games people play part two
No more games


7/09/97

Back at home we put some music on, got ourselves a bandy to drink, and I changed into some shorts – it was a hot evening (and I have great legs...) After a few minutes of chatting I said,

“Oh my back is still a bit sun dry – you can put some cream on it for me,” and promptly went and got some.

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Games people play and questions about sexuality

Back from holiday and a surprise call ~ Before May Mattered 

games people play
The games people play

6/9/97

Feeling good! The holiday was great apart from some creepy middle aged guy who was part of our group. He was so hung up on me he couldn't stop looking and trying to talk to me. It was very embarrassing as his wife was with him and perfectly lovely.

Friday, 6 October 2017

Over Him ~ Slowly coming to terms with not having him

Getting Over Him ~ Easier said than done but progress being made ~ Before May Mattered
over him
Getting Over Him

20th August 1997
He didn't go to Hannah's party and if that happened I know I said I wasn't going to write again but I want to – a slight calm has passed through me. Don't get me wrong I still want him – I'd still see him if I had that option, even though my best judgement says not to. But I just can't feel bad towards him. I like him. I see him in my head. Still I can feel his touch. It's not so painful now. If that event had not happened and one of us or both had decided not to carry on, I don't think he would be on my mind so much. Its just I cant help thinking he liked me quite a bit and that once he had put the horror of that whole evening out of his head, he would still like me – or rather does like me. 

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Date Disaster ~ Stay Calm and Don't Date a Policeman

Date Disaster ~ I am not compatible with policeman ~ Before May Mattered.

Date disaster
Dates Matter!


August 1997
All I seem to do is write about Al, but need to catch up regarding other things that have been going on in my life. Jane and I kept our date with the guys we met when away. 

Picked up in a bar

Monday, 28 August 2017

Obsessive behaviour and self absorption rules

Obsessive behaviour and self Absorption Rules! ~ Before May Mattered

Obsessive behaviour
Obsessive behaviour


July 31st 1997
It does seem to rule me at the moment and what are the rules? How long before this obsessive behaviour turns me crazy?

Others opinions

 

OK – spoke to Vic last night for over 2 hours about it all.  He seemed to think my assumptions regarding Al and getting down with men are correct. He said the Bastard bit got him and that all in all my hitting him wasn’t nearly as extreme as what he did.  Trouble is I still want him. His mind intrigues me and physically i am far too attracted to him.  I just can’t seem to get him out of my mind. In the beginning I wasn’t so keen on his body, but now that’s the body I want – smooth chest, long fingers, muscled bum – all of it. And I adored the way he kissed me, always passionate and urgent and that doesn’t fit with my assumptions about him..

Monday, 14 August 2017

Aftermath Ramblings of a deluded wretch

Aftermath ramblings - Before May Mattered

Aftermath Ramblings - looking back and forward

 
aftermath ramblings
Aftermath ramblings

July 29th 1997

Still feel a little shell shocked. Spoke to Virginia last night. Well went round and we popped out for a drink. She says I have got nothing to blame myself for and we had a bit of a giggle predicting what Al’s brother would say if he heard that Al couldn’t keep it up with me. His brother still thinks I’m some sort of goddess, and tells me any time he gets the chance.

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Explanation Letter ~ He went Soft so I slapped him

Explanation Letter -  not an apology - Before May Mattered

explanation letter
Explanation Letter

July 26th 1997

Today at work I typed this letter up and sent it to Al. Its an explanation letter really, though I do deny that in the first sentence. It certainly is not a letter of apology. But I had to do something. To feel I have at least a tiny bit of control over the situation. I thought long and hard about whether I should write at the end that he can ring me. But I had to put that option in. I still really like him. It’s so annoying that I want him so much but can’t have him. Virginia and I are meeting for a drink the day after tomorrow. I will be able to tell her all the details. Jane was asking but I just told her a scaled down version. 

She said, “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be back”.

If she knew I’d hit him she may think differently.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Punish Me, Where I get spanked before I misbehave!

Punish Me - The punishment before the crime - Before May Mattered

punish me
Punish Me

 

July 1997
Right my head’s in a real spin over what occurred at the weekend with Al. Once again I don’t know what to do or think.

So here’s what happened...

After a very flirty phone call telling me what time he would arrive at mine I was expecting good things. Feeling horny and full of hope. He decides to park and come in. I had prepared for this and had a glass of wine waiting for him. Yes, me trying to be the girl for all occasions.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Phone Sex, an experience I embraced with open legs

phone sex

Phone Sex - an interesting addition - Before May Mattered

 

Sunday early July 1997
Well it’s been just over a week since I’ve written my diary. Though I did write to Vic telling him about the blow job incident and asking what he thinks. It was rather a long letter really. I received a reply from him yesterday which was a damn sight shorter than my effort. He just said that Al seems strange and I should be careful, signing off by saying he loved me.  Bless him. Why can’t I just settle for him? Why is Al on my mind so much? At work I excused myself to Christine’s office and told her in detail what happened with Al.  She was less judgmental than Vic. Her opinion is that there may be a history of some sort of abuse or things I know little about.  I must talk to Hannah about this, as after all Al is her boyfriends mate.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Fucking Bastard Forced me to give him Head

Fucking Bastard - in more ways than one - Before May Mattered

Fucking Bastard
Fucking Bastard forced me to give him head

June 1997

Well - I am not really sure exactly what I am feeling at the moment – having slept on it I am no clearer in my head about what went on with Al today, than I was yesterday.  He has confused me for sure.

The evening started well. He picked me up from mums as we were going to that village near where her new flat is. As soon as we got there and sat down with our drinks he enthusiastically began to talk about all the places we could go together and generally how great it would be. He told me he wants to take me to his work mate’s garden party, so I can meet him and his wife. The confusion started when we were onto our second drink and I thought it was time to tell him that Seb and I were no longer together. That is when the atmosphere changed.

Thursday, 25 May 2017

Dirty Sex


Dirty Sex on my Mind - Before May Mattered

Dirty Sex
Dirty Sex


June 1997


After talking to Jane’s sister I tried to sleep. I ended up having quite a restless night going over everything that had happened in my head. I masturbated, reliving Al fondling by breasts, and took the scene further so that in my head he was pounding his cock into me while spanking my arse. That’s the type of sex I want – not polite and not always gentle, dirty sex. In the olden days, with Vic, we could get quite raunchy but not as “bad” as I need – I only get that in my imagination. I drifted into a deeper sleep and woke at ten. Waiting for Vic, I Pottered around congratulating myself about how brave I’d been to tell Seb it was over.

Monday, 15 May 2017

Preface


Preface Matters - Before May Mattered

preface matters
Preface Matters

Early June 1997

I can’t believe it - after 3 years I have actually finished with Seb. He took it well, looked sad but just got up and walked out of my house – gone to his Mums I expect. I rang Jane but she was out with work friends. I had to talk to someone so told her sister all about it. Vic will be over tomorrow. 

Now I am actually free I am not entirely sure if I want to rekindle a serious relationship with him though. It’s strange, almost like we can’t stop loving each other but can’t commit to each other again either – rather I can’t commit to him!

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