Like I didn't know this was going to happen ~ Before May Mattered
Why do I like Al? Because some of his mannerisms touch me deep down in the pit of my stomach. Because he has clear blue eyes, a lovely bum and hands like mine. Because he intrigues me. Because of the way he kisses me. Because I think he has been hurt as a kid, like me. Because he's so uninhibited and so damn tall. Because he's got a smooth chest. Because of the way he dresses. Because he wears boxer shorts. Because of the way he stares at me sometimes. Because of the way he touches me. Because of the way he smells and he worries about the fact he is losing his hair. Because he makes me laugh. Because he doesn't give a damn about what people think. Because he likes Tom Jones and Neil Diamond – and hopefully Me.
But not because its been 3 days since I saw him and he hasn't rang yet!
I'm having real trouble thinking about anything but him. Lets face it I knew this would happen if I saw him again – The boys dangerous. He's the devil in my tarot cards. Nothing disgusts me about him. Eventually he could physically do anything to me – I want him so much. I need to know for my own safety sake how promiscuous he is, or rather the groups he has been promiscuous amongst. - but will he tell me? If he wont tell me I should say -
“Well I cant sleep with you until until you do.”
Not in my control
But I cant say that because for the first time ever I do not have any control over sleeping with him – there is no choice. When I was with Ashley I found him so horny but chose bot to have sex with him – well intercourse. Well this time I can't do that.
I crave for him – he couldn't possibly understand the strength of emotion I am feeling. I know its lust but I feel it is a little bit more than that too. It's just I am risking so much and could get torn to pieces here – physically emotionally mentally – but there's nothing I can do – as the guy from the movie Dangerous Liaisons said – its out of my control.
I never even thought I would feel like this about someone. Don't get me wrong I am not in love with him but if he wants me it could be the start of something big and good! For sure it wont be easy. There are problems, doubts and complications – but no fear. Nothing frightens me after that incident and the blackness that followed. So at least I've overcome fear, even if I lose everything else.
Plan of action
Having extreme trouble today as he still has not called. Plan of action is tonight when I am out, if the phone gets put down on my answer machine like it did 2 days ago, then I will call him and just say,
“I wondered if it was you?”
Christine says to just do it – her words were,
“You are having a relationship with the guy, don't be negative all the time.”
But I do want him to be the one to ring me. Trouble is to keep busy, I am out now until Sunday. So unless he leaves a message he won't catch me. That's another reason I thought I may ring. Its a long wait till Sunday.
I cant possibly know that he was intending to call unless I don't ring him, but that involves a lot of stress waiting, and I am getting bad again. I have risked so much in every department of my existance. Christine said,
“Wow you must really like him.”
Yep that's the bloody trouble.
There is only one thing I am frightened of – the fact that I can not see into his mind.
I definitely will ring him tonight if he hasn't rang. I cant wait any longer, I don't think its good for my stress levels. It seems to suffer so much for him and I don't think he realises the half of it. Mustn't let him take advantage of me, but it would be so easy for him to do so. I want him to want me. I MUST win this although I am already battle weary and it only been 4 days since I saw him...
You know sometimes I think I am never going to feel normal again. I rang him last night. His mobile was off and he wasn't at home. But now I am absolutely petrified he wont ring back. I can't be taken for granted.
I am out with Ant tonight. Hopefully he will calm me down. I am churning inside in case Al just doesn't want me. It all just hurts so much. I know I am overreacting as come next week he will probably ring and in my head that's really too late, but what can I do – I am powerless and I know I will just put myself through all this shit again. I think I have picked a badden here, but there is absolutely nothing I can do while my insides are sprawling around in anticipation. Thankfully I am still managing to eat.
Christine said the likelihood of me being pregnant or having an STD is very remote and says she has often taken risks. But I don't do that sort of thing – its not in my nature.
Damn it – after the holiday I was beginning to be OK again. He was still hovering in my mind but I was not sad any more. I wish he hadn't got in contact with me again. I wish I hadn't seen him and had sex. Most of all I wish I didn't like him so much. But having said all that I wish above it all that he wanted me as much as I do him. I wish he would ring. I wish he would come over. I wish we were in love. I wish he was firmly installed in my life.
Its horrid feeling so unsure and doubtful. Where was he last night? Was he out with a “lover”? I must get strong again and fight these feelings. My heart hurts and I want the pain to stop.