July 31st 1997
It does seem to rule me at the moment and what are the rules? How long before this obsessive behaviour turns me crazy?
OK – spoke to Vic last night for over 2 hours about it all. He seemed to think my assumptions regarding Al and getting down with men are correct. He said the Bastard bit got him and that all in all my hitting him wasn’t nearly as extreme as what he did. Trouble is I still want him. His mind intrigues me and physically i am far too attracted to him. I just can’t seem to get him out of my mind. In the beginning I wasn’t so keen on his body, but now that’s the body I want – smooth chest, long fingers, muscled bum – all of it. And I adored the way he kissed me, always passionate and urgent and that doesn’t fit with my assumptions about him..
Obsessive behaviour getting in the way
Because I am so obsessed with him I forgot to mention that Jane and I met some guys on our trip away a few weeks back. I wasn’t that interested – head full of Al – but she really liked her one. Tonight they are travelling all the way down to visit us, in their bloody suits! I hate suits – I like tall lanky men with glasses and bangles all the way up their arm – slightly balding with a perverse mind. Yes, can’t shake him of mine.
I keep hoping, well dreaming actually that he will come out on Hannah’s birthday. I shouldn’t even want him too, and I know he won’t come. Also, I know the day after her birthday celebration I will feel like shit again. At the moment I am surviving on the hope that I may see him there. I knew this man was dangerous when I felt so so nervous about meeting him that first night, but so did he, he told me. Trouble is I don’t think I’ve got all the attributes he requires. I want to say to him – it’s ok, we will do whatever and manage it somehow – and that’s shit as it could never work. I’d never know what he was doing or where he was going.
I know it’s got to be over as I really don’t want to go through any more anguish. It’s not the rejection as all things being considered I should be flattered that if he generally doesn’t find women attractive, he did me. The anguish comes from the fact I WANT him still, and its impossible.
Vic wondered if he was into the sleazy side of the gay scene in town. I don’t know but all this writing helps me get it out of my system.
You know I am so lucky – I have two wonderful men that clearly still love me – Vic and Seb – and all I can do is hanker after some queer weirdo. I can’t make him confide in me, but I want him too. Nor can I make him want me more than he does men, but i want him too – and because I want him I can’t believe he doesn’t want me. I have never had sex with anyone before who didn’t come back for more. Perhaps in the past I was careful who i chose?
Oh no, something awful has just occurred to me. When I told him I thought he would be good in bed he said,
“You don’t know that”.
After that day he kept contact to a minimum with me without dropping it altogether – was it that he was worried about how he would perform. Whether he would live up to my expectations? Ah so many thoughts and questions.
My feelings towards him are totally irrational, because I do not understand my attraction for him. That may be why my behaviour has been irrational too. I want to see him and I’ve got to stop. Enough is enough so this must be the last I write analysing about him. No more Al. He must be put to the back of my mind. Another of life’s mistakes but an experience anyhow and as the saying goes – no experience is a bad experience.
Let’s just write June and July off and get on with the rest of the year. Positive thinking - today is the first day of the rest of my life. That’s easier said than done. TIME is the only thing that can help me now.
My life is mush easier now in 2017