Getting Over Him ~ Easier said than done but progress being made ~ Before May Mattered
|Getting Over Him|
20th August 1997
He didn't go to Hannah's party and if that happened I know I said I wasn't going to write again but I want to – a slight calm has passed through me. Don't get me wrong I still want him – I'd still see him if I had that option, even though my best judgement says not to. But I just can't feel bad towards him. I like him. I see him in my head. Still I can feel his touch. It's not so painful now. If that event had not happened and one of us or both had decided not to carry on, I don't think he would be on my mind so much. Its just I cant help thinking he liked me quite a bit and that once he had put the horror of that whole evening out of his head, he would still like me – or rather does like me.
At night I still dream about him. I can't masturbate over him as I am afraid of how it will make me feel – I had been doing that since January.
He likes men?
I may be completely wrong and he could have stopped thinking about me, but my intuition says he wishes it had been different. Certain things he said - when I asked him about him being casual with me - he told me I was barking completely up the wrong tree and that he liked my body more than I could realise. I think I must have been the first woman in ages that he really wanted.
When I run everything through my head I remember different conversations we had. At the Soho bar he told me that when he first used to go there it was completely a gay bar. Why would a red blooded straight guy go to gay bars unless he was gay or bi-sexual. Why didn't he just admit it?
I was talking to Christine about it and she said,
“You cant compete with men. If it was another woman yes, but not with a possible other man.”
I think there was definitely two or possibly three Al's. The man – one of the lads, quite masculine. But that wasn't the one I was attracted to. It was the other personality – the camp Al. The way his mannerisms and smile would sometimes come across as so effeminate. The ironic thing is that because he's so camp I probably can't have him.
Which is such a shame as we were so much on a similar level and wave length. So much initial promise. But thinking about it, because he couldn't be open with me or talk about things, I would always have hit him. I am only human.
The numerous bangles all up his arm and remember the scratches – yes there's another, man possible a married guy – how does he know him – where did he meet him – why isn't it ME. Too much thinking means ideas are running away with me. I need a good bloody fuck!
Too soon for Anal
That night when I hit him I am sure before he went soft inside me he was angling for anal. He kept trying to move his cock towards my arse hole. Because I expect if he's slept with men then obviously that is what he would be used to. But he shouldn't of expected it from me, not that early on in a relationship. But of course he doesn't know the rules where girls are concerned. He never knew how to handle me, bloody knew how to kiss me though! When he touched me he was so direct and rough. That first night when he began to undo my shirt. I stopped him because looking in his eyes he looked so distant, so distracted. It just made me unsure.
He cant blame me for coming to the conclusions I have particularly if he doesn't tell me otherwise. I do want him out of my head. Time and hopefully going to Spain with Mum, Phil and Val will help.
|Starting to get over him|
Three days later (26th) - getting over him
You know I'm off on holiday at the weekend and I don't want to count my chickens but I think I am almost over it. I am feeling much happier and I am due for my period. Its about a month since the shit hit the fan. A whole month of low self-esteem and confusion in general. Today's the day I had earmarked to send him a note asking to meet him, but I don't want to. I don't want to set myself back 4 weeks. I'm protecting myself rather than reaching out to him. I did want to help him though. He must have some sort of sex problem. Be it with accepting his sexuality or an erectile dysfunction disorder. But I am willing to walk away now – he's a thing of the past.
I am totally going to think of myself. I am up for enjoying myself again. If I try and see it from his point of view then he must have been mortified by what happened. So I can not harbour any malice against him. Of course I still like him I have just stopped thinking so much about how much he turned me on. I am just not hoping any more. I have let go of that.
For a few weeks I have been getting funny phone calls where I answered and nobody said anything. Well they've stopped now. It was probably him. He's moved on and so must I.