Explanation Letter - not an apology - Before May Mattered
July 26th 1997
Today at work I typed this letter up and sent it to Al. Its an explanation letter really, though I do deny that in the first sentence. It certainly is not a letter of apology. But I had to do something. To feel I have at least a tiny bit of control over the situation. I thought long and hard about whether I should write at the end that he can ring me. But I had to put that option in. I still really like him. It’s so annoying that I want him so much but can’t have him. Virginia and I are meeting for a drink the day after tomorrow. I will be able to tell her all the details. Jane was asking but I just told her a scaled down version.
She said, “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be back”.
OK – this isn’t an explanation, it’s a way of trying to make myself feel less like shit – which you could have easily prevented. Look at it from my point of view.
It took a lot for me to let you come back to my house and I only did because even though ours was a casualish association I trusted you because I thought you could and did talk to me. I thought we were mates as well. Then back here everything is absolutely great. Maybe it would have continued to be so if I’d “come” and given you a blow job.
Guys have gone soft inside me before, well one actually but not twice, and not with a pre-occupation for anal activity. But I’m extremely liberal so when this happened last night I was OK and just wanted to talk to you. Nothing heavy but just a bit of communication would have been nice so I wouldn’t think it was me being lousy or unattractive to you. But no you wouldn’t reassure me you just totally abuse my feelings and hospitality by saying nothing and getting up to go. Woman will always hit you if you behave like that. I’ve never hit anyone before; I had to protect my feelings. I’ve always been honest with you and you weren’t prepared to give me that courtesy in return. By getting up and leaving you slapped me harder than I did you, and left me feeling totally inadequate.
I didn’t think you would talk to me when I rang and we both know it’s not just because I hit you – but I had to give you the benefit of the doubt, because you see I didn’t just want to have sex with you, I wanted to get to know you- whoever or whatever you are. And all things being considered, and if you ever feel like shit, then you can ring me, because I know how it feels!
|Copy of original explanation letter sent July 1997|